Deciding to play Average American for a day, I glanced at the headlines of the Texan this morning and based my opinion of the State of Things strictly on those few words—and the caption underneath the dom art, I admit. They probably misrepresented each story they hyped but that’s a job for some dork at Media Matters. It all looked pretty bad though. No wonder suburbanites are such assholes.
Here’s what I took away from a cursory and half-assed attempt to stay informed:
1. “Staff warned of expressing political views” = Uptight and overpaid administrators are looking for someone else to boss around after students won the temporary right to put Obama signs in their windows. I guess you can still make an omelet if you scrape the egg off your face. Does en loco parentis really apply here?
2. “Survey: For grads, a tough job market awaits” = College used to be a path to success but now it’s, on average, a path to survival. And, maybe, a waste of time. But I guess I knew that. I studied journalism and now the Gold Standard of my learned craft, the New York Times, is basically being traded in junk bonds. Twenty years of schoolin’ and they put you on the day shift…if at all.
3. “A&M Republicans, UT Dems debate presidential politics” = On a scale of 1-10, this marks an Annoyance Factor of 11. (See previous headline re: waste of time.)
4. “Site offers profs methods to increase student turnout” = No one votes. (Okay, about one-third of eligible Americans do.) Professors hold the key to getting students to do so. That key is talking to them about politics. For my part I’m choking on my eyes because they just rolled to the back of my throat.
5. “Unease rises as fence appears” = Some editor embarked on a subtle, yet, too clever by half attempt at rhetorical flourish with this one. Alone with this headline in a smoky, satiny, red-tinted room or sitting at a bus-stop being whipped by the cold and heralded by the gray of dawn I would be entirely lost, a little enticed, uneasy but full of a nervous anticipation and I might actually have to read the story. But thank God for the dom art and its caption. Turns out all I need to know is that while UT-Brownsville is being forced by the federal government to build a border fence straight through campus with UT System money, the River Bend Resort Country Club right next to the Rio Grande gets to be a gap in our nation’s security—the fence doesn’t cut through their useless and wasteful property. Cough, class war, cough.
And, that’s the front page of our most cherished daily (except weekends) rag around these parts.
Lesson for today: As good as Entourage was last night, something can always come along and choke the happiness right out of your system. In this case it was Monday.
Oh and by the way, banks are hoarding the bail-out cash instead of lending and 50,000 voters were illegally purged from the rolls in Georgia. Slainte!
–Colin Kalmbacher, UT Journalism Alumni 2008